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Woke up at 7:30
Elk Crossing. This town is appropriately named. There are elk everywhere. Walking around, eating, pooping, watching cars. 1 mile north there's a beach access road on the left. Very bumpy, and designed more for a four-wheel drive vehicle than a Nissan Sentra. Noogie got bounced around quite violently. This turnoff to see the beach is less used than the beach just a few miles north, which is packed with RVs in various states of repose. There was even a guy with a hammock and a portable sattelite dish. I noted that, in the town a few miles up (town? Gas stop) there were window postings advertising wolf cubs for sale. I know that's illegal in Alaska, I wonder why it's not here.
Orick - Aha! Well, I screwed up. I stopped just north of Phillipsville last night, when what I should have done was push right on through to Orick. This town has it's own outdoor "Fish Smoke Dinner," called "Rolph's." There wasn't much there at 8am, but from the smell still lingering, the open grills, and the location of fresh fish, I'm imagining it would be a great place to eat. Orick is also populated primarily by chainsaw carvers. I'd like to recommend Orick for all your chainsaw carving needs, since they're much more talented than those frauds down in the "Legend of Bigfoot," who I'm still miffed at for having absolutely nothing to do with Bigfoot. Orick also seems to have a large wild cow population. To clarify, I'm used to seeing cows walking around in open fields, hills, etc. But here, in Orick, the cows are just out there, wandering around in the forest as free as could be. You see a cow sticking its head out from behind a tree at you, a cow walking around a bush, and other cows just generally having a rollicking good time. I can't say if these are the mythical man-eating cows of California, or if these are just cows that someone flushed down a toilet and now they're out in the wild, but they're there, whatever they are.
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Klamath - It's hard to miss the Trees of Mystery, there are billboards everywhere with gigantic "Indiana Jones" style letters declaring "They're Amazing!" and that you should "Prepare to be Amazed!" Oh, and I am. For, just as you pull through a natural arch of trees, you are confronted by a gigantic, talking Paul Bunyan, who has the largest blow-dried chest I've ever seen. As I approached, a couple was in deep conversation with Paul, describing their friend Debbie to him, Debbie was still inside shopping. As Debbie exited the gift shop, Paul's gigantic voice boomed out "HELLO THERE DEBBIE!!!" At which Debbie did a comical sideways dance, placed her hands on her chest, and in the outcome of most surprise practical jokes, almost had a coronary. Her friends were laughing hysterically as Debbie, red-faced, fled to the bathroom to change her underwear. Paul showed no reaction.
Now, the Trees themselves are really cool, and it's worth putting up with annoying Paul (he yelled at me "Hey Baldy!") just to see them. You walk through a nifty trail, much cooler and easier to navigate than the "Hobbiton" trail. You get to see all sorts of trees that are either world records, or have been features on "Ripley's Believe it Or Not." For instance, there's the "Family Tree" which is actually 10 or 12 different trees growing on the branches of a larger tree. It's really cool to see. There's also the "Cathedral Trees," which are a group of trees growing in a semi-circle. Most impressive is the "Brotherhood Tree," which is named that because it's literally just about every color you could think of. I'll try to take a picture, but I doubt it'll do it justice. There's reds, and blues, and yellows, it's amazing. It's also the largest redwood I've seen yet. It's massive. Just down the trail from it is another massive tree, or at least it's remains. In 1995, according to this sign, it was struck by lightning, and, like the Chimney Tree, it burned from the inside out. They say the flames were visible from the highway, which is three miles away from here.
The trip ends with a walk through the "Paul Bunyan Carving Exhibit," which is a bunch of just really goofy tree carvings. Not even worth it. But see the trees.
Just outside the giftshop is a cutaway of a redwood tree, showing, with little arrows, how large the tree was when Columbus was born, when the Civil War occurred, etc. Of course, the outside ring marks where some jackass lumberjack showed up and cut the tree down.
A sign outside the Trees of Mystery tells how the name Sequoia got applied to trees. There was an Am-indian named Sequoia who convinced his people that white men were only superior because they had the written word. So he created a written language for the 83 sounds of the dialect he spoke. Eventually he helped create a bible and a newspaper, among other things.
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Crescent City - A rundown oil town tourist trap, but, it does have Ocean World! You enter Ocean World through a giftshop, filled with various sea-related trinkets such as Sailor and Captain salt and pepper shakers, cork pirates with sea-shell fishing poles, and Sailor Moon trading cards. There's a great little show with sea lions (and a harbor seal who's as energetic and upbeat as Ben Stein), and a great underwater aquarium where you can see a whole school of perch that weren't even supposed to be there, they were put in as food for the shark and a few managed to escape long enough to propagate. . This isn't Sea World by a longshot, but compared to the rest of the crap I've seen so far, I quite enjoyed being here. It's very small and personable, and you can put your head inside of a big fake shark and get your picture taken. My favorite part was petting the mako shark.
Ray and Patsy - Just inside the Oregon border, be sure to stop by the visitors center and talk to Ray and Patsy. They're a retired couple who spend their days there sharing stories with travelers. They've been up and down the coast, and can tell you where all the great spots are (although they had some rather harsh words for Santa Rosa. Then again, come to think of it, so did I). Ray and Patsy not only directed me to the Prehistoric Gardens, they also told me about "Arch Rock Point," a turn-off view site.
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Arch Rock Point - If you're not paying attention, you're going to miss it. Arch Rock Point is a little, out of the way place. It doesn't look like much from the parking lot, just a generic ocean view. It's down through the picnic area, on the other side of the trees, that you get your real view. I'm looking over a railing here and the water is so blue it's like a second sky. The park is named for a rock formation that can only be seen from the other side of the trees where I am. It's carved in, duh, the shape of an arch. The whole view is just absolutely breathtaking. I can't describe it any other way. That is, if you can ignore the zillion or so jellyfish that are flocking to the beach in this area. There are also gigantic rabbits that show no fear whatsoever of humans.
Goldbeach - If you're at all a fan of the artist Maija, who does paintings of white women dressed up like Indians, there's a whole museum/shop of her work in this town.
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The Prehistoric Gardens - Ok, the descriptions I got of this place are inaccurate. It's not some guy's ranch with papermache dinosaurs, although you might think so by the goofy and amateurish T-Rex in the parking lot. It's another walk-through trail, with life-sized sculptures placed here and there. The first you come across, and this is a scary thought, is the "Diotryma," which lived during the Eocene period. At the time, the dinosaurs were extinct, and mammals hadn't come into power yet. The "Diotryma" was one species of gigantic bird that ruled the Earth. That's right, the Earth was ruled at one time by giant birds. Also, there's a wild cat living on the trail. Not a wildcat, a wild domestic cat. The dinosaurs, aside from the odd colorations, are fairly well done, and all the exhibits are well documented. According to one sign, they're a steal frame and cement, all done by hand and painted in what appears to be poster paints. All told, the Prehistoric Forest is a worthwhile diversion. And the cutest gift-shop girl I've seen yet.
Port Orford - The westernmost city in the continental United States. Another crappy little tourist town, but they do have the Wheelhouse Restaurant. Cute waitress named Laurie, and some excellent fish. I spent the morning jonesing for some fresh fish, being near the ocean will do that to you, and the Wheelhouse fit the bill quite nicely.
Newport - I only mention this town because I've discovered the greatest way to mess with people's heads. If you're not a big bald scary-looking guy like me, rent one. Then go into one of these tiny coast towns, like Newport, go into a store, and ask to see their selection of ski masks. Boy, you talk about funny looks. I really thought the good ol' boys here were going to chase me down and beat the crap out of me, especially with my California plates and Birkenstocks.
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Portland - Portland is stupid. That's all I can say about it. Even MapQuest was annoyed with their streets. This is the stupidest street planning I've ever seen. Unfortunately, I got here too late to see the USS Blueback at the OMSI. The museum was closed when I got there and I couldn't see the sub from the street.
The Birthplace of U-Haul is extremely anti-climactic. You would expect a big shrine and walls around the original store and cardboard cut-outs of some farmer rending out pig wagons or something. No. None of that. What is here is your everyday, run-of-the-mill U-Haul center, with a little sign on the sidewalk.
Now, I'm on a backstreet in a dark area of Portland surrounded by people who look like they want to gouch my eyes out with squirrels. The 24 Hour Church of Elvis is upstairs, in a loft apartment, just off this darkened street. To say that it's insane is to say that Dahmer was a tad anti-social. It's somebody's apartment. The literature says that it used to be housed in an actual art museum, but moved to this apartment not too long ago. I was greeted at the door by a wild-eyed crazy man who smelled like butt and looked like he hadn't changed his clothes in ages. He looks like the guy who lived in the closet in the movie "Real Genius," except not as neat. The "Church" itself is a wacko, off-the-wall collection of kitsch. You can spy everything form Zsa-Zsa photos to cans of "Power Rangers Spaghettios" to Barbie dolls, to really strange painted signs. In fact, that's all the "Church" is, a lame art exhibit made by gluing a ton of crap to paperboard with fuzzy craft pompoms stuck in for cohesion. But, I have to say, it's the damn coolest shirt I've ever bought. So if anything else, you have to go there just to get one of these shirts. Or, you can just go to their website and order one and avoid running into the big stinky guy (I got my shirt, took a photo and left. He scared me). But again, the shirt was the best $12 I ever spent. Tres cool.
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