So, now that the Christmas presents are starting to trickle in, I figured it was time to assure everyone that yes, we did make them, yes, they are shaped like poop, and yes, they’re real soap.

For those of you wondering, this year’s Christmas presents might have gotten a tad out of hand. See, last year, Valette and I got the bright idea of being “crafty” for Christmas. Neither of us really knows what to buy family, so we figured that something original and hand-made that’s not too crappy chintzy would be just the thing. So we ended up buying vanilla beans off of Amazon and buying a bunch of vodka and making our own vanilla extract. We had a blast doing it (well, really, we had a blast making the labels and bottling it. The actual making was kind of boring as it consisted entirely of putting beans in the vodka and hiding it in the dark for six months) and everyone who received a bottle seemed to really appreciate it (Valette’s mom so much that she was afraid to actually open it and it evaporated through the cork - oops, our bad. We really should have found a better stopper).

This year there was a lot of pressure to top the vanilla. We needed something that was uniquely Alaskan, was uniquely us, and, most importantly, made use of at least one of the extra bottles of vanilla that was quietly evaporating in our closet.

So we came up with the idea of soap. And not just any soap, but soap shaped - well, there’s a link to pictures at the end. Suffice to say we’ve gotten quite a reaction from them, everything from “where did you buy these?” to “you guys are sick”.

But for the curious, there are pictures, and yes, we did really make them. Although, I must confess that we didn’t actually follow through with our plans to make the soap from scratch and opted instead for a pre-made base.

JR sends me Christmas presents that Valette will disapprove of and that is why he is the bestest internet friend ever. Well, that and the free tech support.

1. My girlfriend is awesome.
2. Sackboy is the greatest little boy made of burlap ever.
3. You can take anything religious and make it sound obscene.
4. Cottonballs remove staples from puppy digestive tracts.
5. If you sound like an old married couple, don’t be surprised if check-out gal thinks you’re an old married couple.
6. The amount of cable you have on hand is exactly .85 times the amount of cable you actually need for the project.
7. “Hamster anuses” is tons funnier than “guinea pig anuses”.

A few years ago, I came across someone’s blog post, now lost to the ether, that was a list of five things they were thankful for on Thanksgiving. The idea was to make the things small in the grand scheme of life, but to make them things that make you, if not a better person, then at least a happier one. It’s a nice idea, and I’ve done it every year since.

So I present this year’s Five Small Things.

1. My Corsair Survivor - A few years ago, Valette gave me a really nice thumb drive with leather detailing and a brushed aluminum case. It’s very nice, and I still have it, but it’s only 1 gig in size and I’m now toting Photoshop and InDesign and all kinds of files that take up lots of room. I found a honey of a deal on NewEgg for a 16gig Survivor and I couldn’t be happier with it.

2. San Pellegrino Aranciata - It’s like Orangina, but 80 times better.

3. Tom Wham - I recently dug out my SJG edition of the Awful Green Things From Outer Space and took it to a friend’s house and had a great time playing it. I forgot how awesome the balance is on that game. I’ve been checking eBay for a copy of Mertwig’s Maze or Search for the Emperor’s Treasure since.

4. The Mythbusters - I admit, I was taken in by Discovery’s DVD package of seasons 1-4 for $120. But we’ve had a great time watching all the episodes from the beginning, seeing episodes we’d missed, and just generally enjoying stuff blowing up.

5. My Girlfriend - Who is not only an awesome cook, but who lets me play along sometimes and cook with her.

I’d also like to add a special 6th small thank-you to Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends for driving the last nail in the coffin of the Rick-rolling meme.

Valette and I went out to see “Quantum of Solace” last night and, I’ll be honest, everything you’ve read about the movie is true. See, we both really liked “Casino Royale”; I actually thought Craig made the best Bond yet in it. The problem with “Quantum” is it’s just more of the same, it’s like a DVD feature made for “Casino Royale” rather than its own film.

But the overall problem with the film is that there’s absolutely nothing in the story worth caring about. Remember the second Matrix film when piles of Mr. Smith’s fall on Neo and you didn’t really give a crap because you knew Neo was Superman and wasn’t really in any danger? That’s “Quantum”. The problems in the film are never serious enough to worry about and all that’s left is the adrenalin rush of the constant chase scenes.

I won’t ruin the flick for you, although there aren’t many actual surprises, but here’s a 5-point breakdown of where the movie went wrong.
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WHAT THE HOLY FLYING FUCK, YAHOO?

I thought un-pausable, un-skippable overly loud flash advertisements died off six or seven years ago when advertisers started to realize that annoying the living hell out of your potential customer base is not a good idea. But I just went to DailyMotion.com where I was nearly blasted out of my seat by a StartWearingPurple.com ad that was not only ridiculously loud but also had absolutely no way to turn it off or pause it or even JESUS FUCK PLEASE JUST LET ME TURN IT DOWN!!!!!

So, yeah, Yahoo. Thanks for blasting whatever corporate pop-punk song that was through my apartment at 12:03 in the morning. When Valette comes out to beat me for waking her up I’m telling her it’s all your fault.

Usually, I spend my Alaskan winters bitching about Alaskan winters. They’re cold, they’re snowy, and they’re relentless. It’s uncomfortable up here in the winter, and it never lets up. But there’s a peculiar set of environmental conditions that make for one of the most awesome things I’ve ever experienced, anywhere, and it’s totally unique to Alaska.

Sometimes, when a snow is rolling in over the Anchorage bowl for the following, the sky is full of clouds throughout the evening. The temperature can suddenly drop when this happens and the air turns dry and still. It’s so cold, not even sound bothers to move. It’s still, and quiet, and the lights from the city shine on the clouds making everything glow so brightly orange that, no matter where you are, you can see just fine.

These are nights that I love Alaska.

I realize I have my nerdy traits. I understand that there are people who view my nerdy traits as “sad” or “symbolic of possible future predatory criminal activity.” However, once in a while, I am reminded that, while I may be able to name more Japanese pop stars than the average American over 30, there are always people who are far, far worse than I. I at least have a girlfriend. One who weighs less than I do and doesn’t have sexual fantasies about Sephiroth.

Never has the point that my nerd score is in the bottom 25 percentile been driven home more clearly than it was ten minutes ago.

I reserved my copy of World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King at gamestop a few months ago. I realize that beginning an “I’m not nerdy” post with that is inviting ridicule, but let me finish. First, I didn’t pay the extra $40 for the special box and limited edition vanity pet version. Second, the phone call.

Gamestop phone ahead to let me know that Lich King was coming out tomorrow at midnight and that I am perfectly welcome to come and pick up my copy. But, they also wanted to let me know about the festivities. What festivities? You ask. Of course you do. Gamestop has chosen to liven things up by letting people line up at 10, although they won’t actually start selling copies until midnight. In addition to letting people line up early, they’ve decided to include the following fun activities:

1. You’re allowed to show up as your favorite character.
2. Scratch-and-win cards.
3. They’ll process your order early so you can be done … shortly after midnight.

I listened to the message and chuckled because, really, my favorite character? I really truly have Gamestop’s permission to dress up as Crane Operator Bigglefuzz?

But that’s when I realized that there’s at least one mouthbreathing basement dweller with a BMI of 45 who got that call and shouted, “Yes! Now I have someplace to wear that Peddlefeet costume that my mom didn’t finish making in time for Auroracon“!

Having worked at Gamestop, I know what kind of person shows up at midnight for a video game opening. Fortunately, I’ve never had to face RPG players who show up at midnight for a game opening in costume.

I’m sorely tempted to show up and take pictures, but then I’d have to pick up my copy while I was there and that would just make me one of them.

John, I really, truly believe that your concession speech was the real you. It was moving, it was honest, and it was well spoken. In fact, if your campaign was as heartfelt as that concession speech, you might have actually gotten my vote.

But it wasn’t. In fact, your entire campaign showed that you were only too willing to compromise your principles in exchange for the support of special interest religious groups. Sadly, had you won, you would have continued doing so.

I’m glad that you’re now free of that obligation and you can return to who you really are. I’m glad you took the opportunity to bow out of the race in a classy fashion. And I hope you remember why you lost.